Life story: When a man becomes a woman
June 5th, 2008, 3:00 am · 33 Comments · posted by grobbins
The Orange County Space Society used to be led by a man. Now, a woman serves as president. But a different person didn’t take the job. Larry Evans of Lake Forest recently underwent a sex change operation and now identifies himself as a woman named Michelle. The surgery was the culmination of a long, difficult personal journey that the 52-year-old Evans recalls in the essay below.
I am a transgender male-to-female (MtF) and have just recently transitioned from my old life to this new one. That does not mean that I only realized this fact recently; it means that it took me a big part of my life to be able to come to terms with this and to finally understand and do something about it.
As with most transgender people I understood very early in life that something was profoundly wrong with who I was. I made this realization when I was about three years old, basically at the time in life when a child starts to understand the differences between a boy and a girl. Scientifically-speaking, no one knows for sure what causes someone to be transgender. However, it is believed that an embryo in the womb may get what’s known as a hormone wash at a critical moment during gestation. What this does is wire the brain so that it does not necessarily match the gender of the physical body. In other words my brain has always been wired female even though I had a male body.
Because of the time when I grew up in the late 1950s and 1960s, without having conveniences such as the Internet, I truly believed I was the only one in the world with this sort of problem. And also because of that time, I understood very quickly that I had to hide my true feelings and do the things that were expected of a young boy. So, for all of my life up until the last couple of years, I was seen as a male by the outside world.
It was not until I was in my early 20s that I finally found out I was not the only person afflicted with this. Technically, the medical community calls it Gender Identity Disorder (GID), but I didn’t know that until very recently when I finally sought help.
Most people in my situation do their best to fit in, telling ourselves that we can overcome this by doing male things. Often you’ll see transgenders going as opposite in life as they can by getting involved with sports, the military, or other testosterone-type of things. I joined the Air Force and served for many years working on nuclear missiles during the Cold War.
I denied any need to transition for a long, long time. It was about 10 years ago when my life started to really go downhill and my wife first tried to talk me into seeking some sort of help. Cherie is a wonderful person, and was literally the very first person I ever talked to about all this, and that happened amazingly on the very first day we met. I still don’t know why, but that’s what happened, and she has now stuck with me for over 26 years. She understood even better than I did that something had to change, or I was not going to survive. At the time, I told her I didn’t need help as this was the one thing in my life I thought I had under control! How stupid I was and how insightful Cherie was.
During this period, I immersed myself in things such as the Orange County Space Society, getting involved with public outreach and education activities to get people excited about space exploration. It was a great way to avoid what was going on internally, but then ironically it was also a stumbling block when I finally decided to fully transition.
One of the most common side effects, to put it mildly, that a transgender person goes through who tries to hide the fact from everyone, including themselves, is that they will be driven to suicide. It is believed that over 50 percent of all transgenders have tried this, and too many succeed. I know this fact first hand since I made the attempt myself several years ago. If not for the intervention of Cherie, I would not be alive to discuss this today.
A couple of years ago I finally did seek out help and decided to stop avoiding the issue, and to see where this journey would take me. With a wonderful doctor’s assistance, I was properly diagnosed. Once that happened, the proper course of treatment was to start hormone replacement therapy. I started taking a cocktail of drugs in December 2006 that began to transition my body from male to female.
Taking hormones and testosterone blockers were just the first step in my transition. Some transgenders never go past this stage, either for personal or financial reasons. For those, like myself, that feel they must complete surgery, there are many excellent doctors. Thailand is the country with the most experience in this sort of surgery, and can be relatively inexpensive, with excellent results. There is also a wonderful doctor in Montreal, and several here in California. The best known has to be Dr. Marci Bowers, who runs a clinic in Trinidad, Colorado. She has a reputation as a superb surgeon, but also has the distinction of being the only reassignment doctor who also happens to be transgender, having undergone the surgery herself.
Surprisingly, full surgery is now a covered medical benefit with many major corporations around the United States, including places like Bank of America, and even Disney. Most of us still do pay for our own, however. When we do decide it is time to proceed it can still be trepidatious. As in my case, I wanted to get the surgery done, but any major surgery gives pause. Mine finally took place on May 21. After awakening to the beautiful sight of my partner Cherie, and knowing I had survived to truly start my new life, is beyond anything you can imagine.
The doctor tells me it will be about two months for everything to completely heal, but that didn’t stop me from being at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena just a few days after surgery to celebrate the landing of Phoenix on Mars. Friends were taking bets on whether I would drag myself out of bed for this or not, but those who truly know me and my passion for exploration, had no trouble understanding I would be there no matter what. I admit I paid a price for it, but being there was worth it. I’ve been taking it very easy since then, but overall I feel great, and I could even say I feel normal–probably for the first time in my life.
Even then, I did not believe I would ever fully transition, primarily because of the public work I did with OCSS. I felt that I would definitely not be accepted and that the important work we were doing would lose all credibility.
Late last year, it dawned on me that I had no choice but to complete the process and go full time, no matter the consequences. With that in mind, I made the decision to tell the space society what was happening, with the idea that I would step aside if anyone thought I would be detrimental to our education work. There were many people in the group that I “knew” would not accept me, and I was fully prepared to leave forever. Instead, I was nearly 100 percent accepted, and was re-elected unanimously for a new term as president of the society. That is something I never expected and the emotions are impossible to describe.
I went full-time in my personal life last October, and with OCSS starting in December. Since that time we have done many great public events and no one has appeared to have any problems or run away because of who I am. Yes, a few people have left the group, but this is exactly the opposite of what I expected in that I thought I would be the one to disappear. That is a very common thing for a transgender to do because of the rejection so many receive from family, friends, and co-workers. I know of kids who came out to their parents in their teen years and were literally thrown out onto the street. Other friends have lost jobs, homes, and pretty much everything, and had to start over from scratch. It is a horrible situation, and I have been extremely lucky to have the support of so many people around me, including all of my family.
My transition has been a wonderful experience that I never would have believed possible. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have actual friends that stuck by me through it all, and my family and my wife could not be more supportive. This is definitely not the case with too many in this world, and I can only hope that my story might help others to understand that we are not freaks or monsters, but simply people who have a different challenge in life.
When I first broke the news about my transition to a good friend who I work with a lot in space education, he joked about it by pointing out that we had been trying for many years to get more females excited about space. He applauded my commitment, but wondered if I hadn’t taken my dedication too far!
As for my wife, Cherie, we have been soul mates since the first moment we met. I told her about my gender dysphoria when I had never breathed a word to anyone. We’ve been together constantly since the day we met. I fell in love with her and still, after over a quarter of a century, feel exactly the same. Anyone who could put up with me, especially through all that has transpired over the last couple of years, is beyond amazing. I can never say enough about her love and support, except to know that without her, I would not be here to write this now. After this, I could also honestly say, our relationship has never been more perfect and solid.
Many couples who have one spouse go through transition, often end in divorce. Surprisingly there are still a great many who do stay together. One wonderful fact about living under California law is that even after my transition, which includes a legal name and gender change, so that I am now officially recognized as a female all the way back to my birth certificate, Cherie and I are still married and have full legal spousal rights. With all the hoopla recently over allowing same-sex marriage, it is a fact that in cases such as ours, we are in a completely legal same sex marriage, no matter what happens to the state constitution.
For those readers out there who think this is a horrible thing to allow, all I can say is why would anyone not embrace the fact of two people who love each other being able to marry? Why should anyone be considered less than human due to the way their brains are wired in the womb?
IN CLOSING, a comment from Cherie:
“In 1981 I met a fabulous person. When I first saw him, my thoughts were, ‘Tall and good looking!’ We had everything in common; we both loved anthropology, weird movies, puns, and space exploration. When he told me he was in the wrong body, I sympathized at first, but like most everyone else, I didn’t understand. Even knowing this, I still fell in love with him and we’ve been together ever since. When it finally became necessary for Larry to transition to Michelle, I initially had a difficult time, but in the end, I found I still loved this person, no matter what her gender was to be. She is the same person I met and I love her dearly, and plan to stay married to Michelle.”
June 5th, 2008 at 11:07 am
he doesn’t make for an attractive woman, but i think it’s important for everyone to have the chance (and the right) to live life feeling comfortable in their skin.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Why not just be a man and don’t worry about how you act? So what if you’re not into sports, etc.? Interesting…
June 5th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
My gosh, much better looking as a man…
June 5th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
The article above is about my brother, now sister. I regret that she had to go through so much pain growing up and as an adult man. When Michelle told me about the transition, my first reaction was that this is a good thing! Larry never seemed to be as happy as he could be and if being Michelle was right, then great!
I read the postings from the two men above. May you never have a conflict or a struggle in your life and when and if you do, may you have an understanding family and partner that will stand by you.
The identity of a person is what is inside and the good deeds and accomplishments in their lives. I am proud of my sister and support her in her transition, wherever it may take her. The sky is the limit!
Debi Evans
June 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Wow, what a story! Congratulations, Michelle, on making an unimaginably tough transition from one part of your life to another, and finally being able to be who you are. How wonderful to hear that people are being so accepting of you and that is helping you. That’s what makes us good human beings, to be supportive and helpful like this - and any negativity you encounter is a failing of the person who gives it, not of you.
Gary, thanks for telling us this important story. When the city gives out its bravery awards every year, I think Michelle would be a worthy recipient…!
June 5th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I wanted to thank the people that posted the positive comments on my essay. Especially from my sister. That was totally unexpected and means more than I can say.
As for those that think I look better as a guy, I never thought I looked great as a guy, and I would probably agree that is true as a girl, too. But I certainly didn’t go through all this to be a fashion model! It’s just who I am and what I had to do in order to survive. When I look in the mirror nowadays, I at least finally see me. Be very happy that this is not something you have ever had to deal with.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
A great story, Gary - thank you for sharing these important things that go on in our community that we would otherwise not know about.
As a longtime supporter of the space program, I’m delighted to see that silly things like other people’s prejudices have not shaken Michelle from her aim of advancing and promoting an important cause. I encourage her to continue her great efforts. What unshakeable resolve she sounds to have… keep up the great work!
And I think the photo of Michelle at the top of the article is actually quite attractive! Compared to a lot of women I could name…!
June 5th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Congratulations to Michelle Evans & her family! you are awe inspiring & a great inspiration to a great many people, I’m sure! I myself have never known a transgendered person (that I know of) but I’ve always believed that everyone has a right to be who they truely are, inside and out. I wish you, your family & friends the very best that life has to offer.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I never understood the thought behind changing one’s gender. Having been related to a person through marriage that had made this change I was able to see the entire situation in a new light. “Rachel” was one of the most down to earth people I have ever known. She was educated and cultured and well traveled. The most incredible thing was that she was so comfortable in her skin. She didn’t seem to ever regret to decision to change. While a man she had been married and had three sons. They did not take well to her decision and while I know this broke her heart, she was “pretty cool” and not at all what I had expected. Rue Paul? No. Real? Yes. Unfortunately she passed away due to a heart attack at 55.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I must say after reading this, this you sir have a lot of courage. I’m glad you did what makes you happy.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
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June 6th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Congratulations Michelle, may your life now be filled with happiness, now you can look into a mirror and smile
June 6th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Michelle’s dad and I (stepmom) have been so inspired and genuinely surprised at her amazing committment to her new life!! Some go on this journey willingly while some may take longer to get on board. Her beautifully-written description of that journey shows her inner strength, even through years of pain and isolation.
We feel closer to her now, as Michelle, than her previous life as Larry. When she called her dad and nervously shared her inner turmoil and decision, he was solidly by his new daughter’s side. Not such an easy adjustment at 79 years of age…..but nothing when you compare it to Michelle’s lifelong adjustment to a body not matching her mind. She is so open and approachable now because she is truly at peace with herself , both inside and out. When she came up for her dad’s 80th birthday, we even had fun with a professional makeover, too! My three sisters and extended family thought she was “cool”., with all of Larry’s best attributes and now somehow better as Michelle.
We echo Michelle’s sister, Debi, in celebrating our daughter. And her partner, Cherie, has been steadfast through this life-changing event.
We can only hope that everyone out there never has to face such an insurmountable challenge but if they do, do it with grace and optimism like Michelle. We know the world will continue to cause some pain along the way, but her greatest pain is gone forever.
We think she is a wonderful spokeswoman for the transgender community, too…..but to us she’s become just Michelle, a woman with a great sense of humor, a continuing passion for space travel, but a new zest for life, and yes, even frustration over a bad hair day like any other woman!! ….
We’re proud of you! Love, Dad and Celee
June 6th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Wonderful! It’s very reassuring that there are other couples out there like my spouse and I. I wish you all the best!
June 6th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
This story was so well written and so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
My partner (spouse legally) transitioned a year ago. I thought “he” was cute, but had a horrible self image that I couldn’t understand, and suffered from a deep depression.
When, after 6 years, “he” finally told me that the cause was due to being transsexual and the pain of trying to hide it, I was relieved. I knew that transition was possible. Thankfully, having had a transsexual friend in college, I was familiar with the condition.
She is now happy, and the little spark of sunshine that I used to catch fleeting glimmers of before is pretty much there full time. She hums, sings, and dances around when she thinks nobody is watching. I can’t tell you how completely full of joy I am now that my soulmate is finally here with me full force.
I fell in love with the essence of Claire, even though I thought she was James. I plan to be with her forever. Being trans is such an awful burden, robbing people of years of really living. It’s so nice to hear of another couple that have conquered this together! Our family have also been wonderful in their support.
I maintain a blog that talks about the things we’ve encountered, and I know that success stories like this give people that struggle with this condition hope.
I’m proud of you and your family, for your courage and your love. May you all have long and blessed lives together
Annie
June 6th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
For those that can’t wrap your head around why someone would transition: you are so secure in the match of your brain and body that it *would* seem unfathomable to you. As foreign as the idea seems to you, that is how foreign a transsexual’s body feels to them. Just because you’re blessed by being born cisgendered doesn’t mean that being trans and dealing with the situation are trivial.
Oh, and Michelle, I think you look lovely! Ignore the naysayers.
June 7th, 2008 at 2:59 am
I read this article with different feelings-as it is about my second family! This is Buse from Turkey, I met Michelle four years ago, when Michelle was actually Larry, on a camp that I attended that summer(Space Camp). I learned so many things that week in the camp, met so many friends from all over the world, but more than that, what I gained was: friendship of Michelle. Two years later, I met Cherie, her partner. I love her too, she is one of the sweetiest ladies you can ever meet!
As you can understand from my words, they are not “friends from abroad” for me, they are “members of my family”…
Apart from the scientific aspects of “changing one’s gender”, there is only one life you can have, so play that game with your own rules!
I am so happy that Michelle thinks the same way and she could find the courage to do it!
I love you Michelle and Cherie!!
P.S. Not because I love Michelle a lot, I REALLY think she is so gorgeous now!
June 7th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Michelle,
I am so happy that you made it. And that your wonderful family could accompany you and still do. Many TG people don’t get that sort of unconditional love and respect from family.
I know those comments at the top must have stung. Such ’surface’ comments are normally made by people whose own fear of anything, anyone different than themselves causes them much internal doubt about themselves. They should be pitied for their fears.
I would only add that Marci is no longer the only TS surgeon doing GCS. There’s another now as well, Dr. McGinn on the east coast.
May you be abkle for years and years to continue your inspirational life and to show others that one can be themselves, regardless the depth of ignorance and hostility that some seem to have for any person whose difference from them is simply a cosmetic thing. We all bleed, cry, fear and want joy in our lives.
Your beauty is much more than skin-deep. Your importance and courage are simply a wonderful example to us all.
June 7th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Congratulations, Michelle, on crossing the gender Rubicon against all the barriers society throws up in our path. You will enjoy the new normality very much, as the world seems just a bit richer and more detailed than before.
Now, on to those barriers…
“he doesn’t make for an attractive woman”
“I must say after reading this, this you sir have a lot of courage”
To the posters who deliberately used the wrong pronouns, ‘he’ rather than the correct ’she’, why did you do it?
Nevermind what body Michelle was born with, it’s immaterial. The body does not impart characteristics of personality, demeanor and comportment that produce masculine or feminine behaviour. The body, and the differentiated genitals, are an indicator of whether the personality of a person will be masculine or feminine. And that indicator corresponds to the actual spirit at least 97% of the time.
But 97% is not 100%. Nor 99%. Nor 99.8% There always have been and always will be people whose bodies indicate one thing, but whose brains are the opposite gender from that indication.
So to call Michelle by male pronouns is like you referring to your mother (assuming she’s cisgendered,) ‘he’, ‘him’ and ’sir.’ You would not refer to your mother by male pronouns. It’s rude and disrespectful.
And if you say it’s ‘disrespectful’ to refer to Michelle by female pronouns, who is it disrespectful to? What is it going to hurt for you to refer to Michelle as ’she’, ‘her’ and ‘ma’am’?
If you have an answer to that question, I’d love to see it.
My apologies, Michelle, for hijacking the comments to your story;
Hazumu Osaragi
June 7th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
When I read this beautiful and emotionally naked essay, I am seeing so much more than the transition of a fabulous human being to become happy in her skin. I see a love story, I see a family, I see people. Just people, forget gender and change. I see courage. Michelle is showing her love for humanity knowing that her own discomfort in writing this essay might help a young man or woman who is currently suffering along with a gender confusion.
Michelle is letting everyone know in her courage and love that every problem in life can be overcome with love of self and love of family.
Michelle and Cherie have demonstrated a love that transcends time and troubles. They inspire me.
I know that good for the world comes from good people. Michelle is a truly good person. She makes a difference on this planet and I am glad she is here.
June 8th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Michelle,
I am constantly amazed by your courage, and have loved reading every part of your story. I write for Purple PJ’s, where you do a monthly column, and have never missed a month of your column since I started coming to the site! Thanks for sharing your experiences with all of us, we are the richer for them.
June 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I whole-heartedly empathize with Michelle and her struggle to achieve true self realization. I lived the first 45 years of my life feeling that I was some kind of a freak of nature. It was the advent of the internet that allowed me to see that there were vast numbers of people going through this same harrowing experience of feeling wrong about your person and having to hide your true self from the world for fear of ridicule and ostracization. Even then, it was not until I found Dr. Lynn Conway’s internet site ( linked below), that I came to see that transgendered people could be successful, functioning contributors to our society. Thank you Michelle and Cheri for for being courageous enough to share your story so publicly.
Copy and paste this link into your browser for a totally refreshing look into the lives of many high functioning transgendered women:
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html
June 9th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Congratulations, Michelle. I am going through the transition process and for the first time in my life I am really very happy. Do not worry about how you look right now. With a little help and some time all women can look beautiful especially when they become happier spirits. That is what is important plus the fact you are a success.
June 9th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I am so grateful to people like Michelle, who are paving the way for the next generation of people who are traveling the same path. My 19-year old son made the same realization about himself when he was 13, and is now in the process of making the transition from male to female. His (and our) journey is eased by each new story that someone else has gone through the same thing, and came out of it okay. I am especially moved by the wholehearted support and love that Michelle has received from her coworkers, friends and family. It gives me renewed faith and hope in humanity whenever I read these accounts.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Michelle, you and Cherie are living proof that the truth will set you free, and love conquers all obstacles. I loved reading your story, and the comments are just as interesting. They demonstrate that most people really do wish us transgender-women only happiness, and restore my faith that the day is coming when we are fully equal and protected under the law, and fully covered by our medical insurance. Your courage renews my own to follow my fondest dreams and to be true to myself. Thank you, sister.
Amy LaCoe
June 11th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Congratulations on a courageous choice.
Wouldn’t it be great if everybodies spouse could be as supportive and loving as Cherie?
June 11th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I met Michelle Evans at the beginning of her journey. She is a woman of remarkable courage, fully knowing the prejudices and stigma that face her every day. It’s not easy to break a new path. even harder to be honest about the feelings behind that journey. Although she is lucky to have the love and support of her family, they are blessed to have her in theirs.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
i am so grateful that the OCR printed a story such as Michelle’s.
i like to consider myself a friend of Michelle’s as i occaionally attend the same support group meeting as her. you know you have my full support Michelle as do all my transgender brother and sisters. going though transition myself transition is not always easy but with support from friends and families we can make a difference in the in our communities, county, state, and country and show everyone we are just like them.
June 11th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I want to thank Michelle for her courage, leadership and example in the transgendered community and society as a whole.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
This time last year I was a friend of Larry and Cherie, not knowing the secret Larry carried and that Cherie shared. When I learned about Larry’s transition last October my first thought was: what kind of friend would I be if I no longer supported him, knowing now about his gender transition? How could I call myself an evolved human being if my thoughts, actions, or relationship to Larry were to change in any way in light of this disclosure? So I held his hand and said that yesterday I was his friend, today I was his friend, and that tomorrow I would still be his friend. To quote Shakespeare: “Love is not love, which alters, where it alteration finds”.
Their lives are a testimony to honesty, courage and love against all the odds, and I count myself proud to be considered their friend.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Michelle-thank you for sharing you story here. You will inspire and educate many who feel alone. I appreciate so much the love and support that your family and partner have given. It is a courageous journey and I’m sure that it will light the way for others who need to know it can happen. Thank you!
For those who make critiques of Michelle’s appearance or choice-please consider that this is about a human journey to the deepest level of integrity. It is not about the vanity of how one looks best to please society. It is about what it means to be one’s true self.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:33 am
God made you yet you could not accept that nor the true love of self,cosmetic surgery,etc is decietful.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
The comments posted here have been very wonderful to read over these last couple of weeks, and I again want to thank all those who did so. I did want to take a moment and address the issue raised by Bill in this latest post.
Often people find that it is easy to hide behind God and religion to cover personal prejudices. Some people will say that “God doesn’t make mistakes,” or in this case, Bill says that being true to myself is somehow deceitful. However, if God is all-knowing and all-seeing, then he put it there in the first place during gestation and knew from the beginning that myself and others like me had this extra challenge to overcome in life.
If God does not make mistakes and things such as plastic surgery are deceitful, does that mean that anyone born with a birth defect should not be treated and cared for? Say if a person is burned horribly in a fire, should they not seek to have their lives restored through plastic surgery? Must they accept what hand they were dealt.
I am curious if Bill wears glasses. If so, is that not being deceitful by covering this deformity so that you can see clearly? Anyone with diabetes should let it run its course. Medications would not be permitted for someone with heart disease, or for that matter, a headache.
For myself, this is very much like the old adage that if God had meant for humans to fly he would have given us wings. Instead, I say in return, that God gave us the intelligence to figure these things out and to face the challenges that are before us everyday. To do otherwise would be deceitful.
Michelle